Grief

Grief is a tidal wave that overtakes you,
smashes down on you with unimaginable force,
sweeps you up into its darkness,
where you tumble and crash against unidentifiable surfaces,
only to be thrown out onto an unknown beach, bruised,reshaped...
Grief will make a new person out of you,
if it doesn't kill you in the making.......

Author
Stephanie Ericsson

I read this poem just a few months after Lauren died, it has stuck in my head all of these years, I didn't have it saved but it was easy to find online. At the time, I had no real understanding of how true the poem is, I was still in shock over her death. When you loose your child you grieve for the rest of of your life. I am sitting here thinking of what I want to say and I find the words still won't come. There are no words to describe this kind of loss. It is hard to believe that it has been 10 years. It's strange how I feel I haven't seen or held her in forever and yet it feels like I saw her leave with her dad just yesterday. So many times a day Lauren flashes through my mind. There are so many things I want to share with her, do with her. I imagine the young woman she would be today. When I close my eyes I can almost picture her standing before me all grown and smiling, I can see her planning her future. She always said she wanted to be a singer. I miss you Lauren so much, your loss has left a huge hole in me that can never be filled. I have learned the greatest love of my life is the love I feel for my children. I have always loved my kids, but I don't think I realized how deep that love is, and all I really need in this life is the love I feel for each of them. I love you Lauren, Chris, Faith and Ethan, I am proud to be your mother.

Lauren

As I sit here and think back to that day ten years ago, the day that forever changed the lives of so many, I remember the moment that I heard those two words, the two words that to this day, echo in my brain and ring in my ears as if they were spoken only yesterday. Hearing that you were gone from this earth forever, never to return as I knew you, never to hear your laughter or see your beautiful face was so very devastating Lauren. I spent the first few years in tears and disbelief, each and every time my brain reminded me it was as if it had just happened. How could it be? How? It truly seemed impossible that you were gone, my mind could not accept it even though my heart knew it was true. There has not been a day, an hour, a moment that I have not thought of you. You were my first grandchild and I was madly in love, I still am and always will be.

I love you and miss you as much as I did the minute I first heard those two words. Yes, life goes on because it has to. I'm alive and I've had to live. I try to imagine how life would be with you here. Wow, I would have a granddaughter that would be twenty years old this year had she not been taken away before her life had barely begun. I will be forever grateful for the brief time we had together Lauren. I know that you knew how very special you were to me and how much I loved you and how I will eternally!!

Rest In Peace my beautiful granddaughter, I'll see you in Heaven!!!!!!!!

Love forever and ever,
Your Nanny




Lauren,
You are always in my heart and on my mind. I'll love you forever and ever. I'll see you in Heaven.
Granny




Lauren,
I miss you so much. Not a day goes by that I don't think of you. I will see you soon.
Love, Aunt Dana





****My Special Butterfly****


Dear Lauren,

As you know its been 10 very long years since we have been parted physically. Although I feel yet so close to you with my heart and soul........not being able to squeeze you is the most difficult of all.

I can still hear your laugh and see your amazing smile....I can still see into your innocent eyes.... and, if I try I can feel you and Jesse still jumping on the bed.

I used to often listen to the Space Jam CD that we wore out dancing around the house to but now I find myself listening to new songs and thinking "would Lauren like this right now"....and when I am going somewhere with Jesse in the car I can imagine you in the back seat or perhaps beside me (riding shotgun lol because GRILLS always come first right? ) singing along to whatever song is on the radio. I bet you would be loving the new and improved Brittney Spears.....and you would be thinking the Jonas Brothers were lame.

I've always wanted to know if you would be wearing your hair long or would you have ever forgiven Nanny and I for making you get that bob..lol ...would you be taller than Jesse (lol of course everyone is :0) )...........would you have been athletic....would you have ever learned how to skate or would you had always just gone and (booty danced lol) on the side lines? THAT'S MY GIRL!

Oh my Miss Lauren Marie Waller....time has passed and nothing has really healed like they all say. I love and miss you the same to this day.

Remember that butterfly hairclip you bought me? I still have it. I have it in the little jar you gave me that you bought from the school bookfair.....and I am sure you know this but ever since you left I stopped collecting angels....I think I have been mad at them for taking you ...so I have been relating all butterflies to you because they are beautiful and carefree and I can see them, its not very often but when I do, they make me stop in my tracks and think solely of you.

"You are my very own Special Butterfly"




Tell the ones you love, you love them everyday
Because today is the only day you can be sure you have
Yesterday is a memory
Tomorrow is a dream that may not come true
The Lord called Lauren home ten years ago
For reasons we may never know
Now she waits by his side
For each one of us to arrive

Love,
Uncle Eddie





Lauren,

I've always known God needed your help. I know when we're all together again we'll understand. Can't wait to see all the good work you're doing. I LOVE AND MISS MY LITTLE ANGEL LAUREN.

Uncle Spark





Lauren,

It sure does not seem like it has been ten years since we last seen your smiling face. The time may have gone but your memory still stays strong in our hearts because you have a way of making a lasting impression. When I think of you, I see this blonde beauty with a smile that would just melt hearts. I remember when your Mommy was pregnant and so was Auntie Jennifer and I also was pregnant. Auntie Jennifer had a boy, Jesse, and I had Matthew and then came our little girlÖ.Lauren. We may have spoiled you because you were the only girl out of the boys. Remembering all the times at the house playing with the boys in Mattís room or in the pool or just being around us gave us joy that no-one can replace. Remember the time that you, Jesse, Matthew and Jeremy went to see the Power Rangerís? That was so much fun to see your faces light up when your favorite Power Ranger came out on stage. I also remember the time you, Jesse and Matthew were at Aunt Jenniferís and you all got pet turtles. How you all loved spending time with Auntie Jennifer because she made things fun for you all. I was told about a time, when you and the boys were dancing around to the music from Space Jam. We all had to go out and buy the music and the movie. There are so many memories that will be everlasting and we sure miss that melting smile. Matthew talks about you and you can see how he misses his cousin, Lauren. We still play the Space Jam song and start talking about how you all were so close. He misses you, too. He always tells his girlfriends about his blonde headed cousin and they go visit you to let you meet the girl that he likes to make sure you approve. I know that Matthew would want to approve of the person you would be with. Matthew and Jesse were very protective of you and did not want anyone or thing to hurt you. Even though, they were protective of you, you could keep up with the boys. There will never be a day that something will happen and we donít think of you and how you just made us smile. We all miss you dearly, but thank you for the memories of a blonde headed girl that could melt hearts with her smile.

Love and Miss you dearly,
Auntie Wanda
PS: Keep Smiling







(The following pictures were recently given to me by Aunt Wanda)



These pictures were taken Halloween 1999, she was dressed as Brittney Spears, her idol.



Lauren & Jesse, about 4 or 5 years of age



Jeremy, Lauren, Matt and Jesse at the Power Rangers show



Lauren with Aunt Wanda, 1999 or early 2000















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Angels For Lauren-Forever-Nine is written and owned by Joyce Allman.
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